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flip flops, grace, Inspiration, Life is beautiful, mommy blog, Uncategorized

Broken flip flops

I wrote this the other day and shared it on my Fb but I think it’s worth sharing here.

My day has been a bit ridiculous so far. My phone is acting stupid so I’m limping along on my work cell. I thought I lost my debit card last night. Normally losing my debit card wouldn’t be a huge deal bc up until recently I had debit cards for two different accounts and would just juggle my funds electronically, whatever, but a scumbag compromised my other debit card a while back so I recently canceled it. So yeah…I was feeling pretty beaten up and angry and frustrated this morning.

Then one of my favorite flip flops just up & broke while I was trying to locate my debit card. Thankfully I DID find my debit card tho so yay!!

And it looks like my phone is under warranty so now I’m just mourning my flip flops. This is silly but significant because I don’t like shoes in general. But these were different and I wore them every time I could get away with not covering my toes. They had rhinestones and a little bit of platform. They were perfect.

All of this has bigger significance too tho. (Maybe?) The last time I had a pair of flip flops break on me was the day I passed my ASCP exam to officially become a med tech. My flip flop broke as I was approaching the front door of the exam place…but I limped along, unthwarted, asked the test administrator for a stapler, stapled them temporarily together (I couldn’t take the test barefoot…technicalities), and rocked that test.

So…I dunno if there’s really any deeper significance here, but it took a great deal of tenacity not to give up back then and this morning was similar, as I felt like everything was going wrong. I wanted to be like, “oh well. I’m screwed and cursed.” And just give up. But somehow I kept moving…and sometimes that’s all it takes to turn it all around.

I keep saying better days are coming and that things improve if you do…and it turns out maybe I’m right. the past few weeks have been difficult for me for many reasons. But at the same time, they’ve been kind of awesome…I’ve tap danced in between devastation and dignity, perfectly bipolar. And I’ve come to realize when faced with great difficulty, you just need to reach deeper and radiate deeper grace. As you improve, so will your conditions.

For every paralyzing defeat, there is at the very least a lesson, but often, something better lies in the wings. I find that many people do somewhat great things while somehow managing to stay in their comfort zone at the same time. I wish I could do that…I’ve come to realize that I only flourish when all hell breaks loose. In chaos I find my calm and in rejection I only try harder and I swear for every door that’s slammed on me in my life, a bigger blessing has come my way.

Anyway, I’m rambling, but just let me say that there are really good things coming down the pipe. When the crappiest part of a day like today boils down to a broken flip flop, I know I’m either pretty blessed or I’ve found a level of serenity to deal with whatever bs life throws at me. Fingers crossed. One foot in front of the other.

Inspiration, Kids, Life is beautiful, mommy blog, Uncategorized

Stroke your own ego

“Stroke your own ego,” I whisper to myself in the morning. Mornings are hard for me. A lot of people have a particular time of day that’s tougher than other times of the day. Mornings, to me, can be a reminder of all of things I didn’t do yesterday and everything I need to do NOW. Do this. Do that. Do this. And don’t be late.

Mornings are when every naggy voice from my past speaks up and tells me how and why I’m gonna fail. And every gloaty doty on social media is talking up their manufactured lives. Mornings are when two cranky, hungry bellies are whining about not wanting to go to school and I’m praying to myself that there are no traumas between the time we wake up and when I drop them at school.

So…mornings can be when I’m at my most broken. They’re when I feel the most alone. That’s one reason I started doing morning live videos. And they’re when I sit aside just a few seconds to stroke my own ego.

See…I used to spend time sending good mornings to people…and sometimes I still do but I found that it was disappointing when no one responded and there were days when literally no one did. It wasn’t their fault. We’re all busy. And it was a silly thing to do. I’ve learned you can’t spread sunshine in hopes of getting sunshine back. It’s gotta come from within. Like happiness and pancakes.

So instead of worrying about others, I started spending a bit to point out good things going on with me. And…it’s helped me. It’s like meditation, only quicker. It’s a tiny bit of gratitude that I can give myself. It’s serenity and grace and all of that good stuff.

So yeah…that’s what I recommend…especially on days when it feels like everything is crap and you’re just a plunger. Stroke your own ego…bc sometimes nobody will do it for you.

Inspiration, Kids, Life is beautiful, mommy blog, Uncategorized

Parenting alone sucks.

There. I said it. It’s something I’ve been feeling for…well over 5 years because…you see, after Ava was born her dad started being home less and less frequently. And then it started only really being for special occasions and what felt like public appearances.

It got so bad that my dad came from Michigan to help me because I had two tiny kids and a demanding job and…little help. And then my dad up and died. And since then I’ve struggled. I’ve struggled with emotions and finances and careers and kid stuff. And…I’m tired. And I’m often scared. And frequently lonely in a way that I can’t describe. But I try not to let on bc…I’m a strong, independent woman. And I know things like when people ask how your day is they rarely really give a crap.

For the past three years in a row I’ve taken the kids to Mardi Gras parades by myself. Because I can. But this past Friday, as I was struggling with the wagon and chairs and the bags by myself, something just hit me. I can do this. I CAN. but i don’t know for how long.

I look at happy families and I wonder where my life went wrong. Why don’t I have that? Could I ever have that? What’s wrong with me? And it hurts. I always feel like there’s something wrong with me. And maybe there is. I don’t even know.

But there are some things I do know. I love my kids. And I’m trying to do my best. And I think they know that. I know the next 10 or 12 years are gonna fly by and when they do, they’re gonna look back and know it was me that made sure they went to parades and turned in their projects on time and got them to school and wrote them Santa letters and worked odd jobs to afford their hobbies and….someday they’ll thank me. I think.

And there will be days like this morning where I sing to them and get them to school on time and everything goes smoothly even tho we slept through our first alarm. And the principal gives me a nod and a smile as I walk them to class, and I feel like maybe I can pull this all off.

But last Friday I felt more alone than I have in a very, very long time…and it’s those moments that lurk in the background like a cold dampness and remind me that even tho I’ve been doing this awhile, I have no freaking clue what I’m doing. But then I have to remind myself that maybe all that matters is that I just do whatever I can. So I do…and so far we’ve survived. ❤️

birthday, Kids, Life is beautiful, mommy blog

And we’ve survived another birthday season!

Ben had his 9th birthday party at Chuck E Cheese yesterday. It was great. All of his best buddies showed up and they played a bunch of games and got a ton prize tickets and stuff.

Ava is finally not scared of Chuck E. bc she realized he gives out tickets. My little people are almost all grown up. This is probably one of our last Chuck E. Cheese parties…tho Ava says she wants hers there next year…

They’re growing up so fast and it’s hard to believe that these little people were my little roly poly babies.

This was my first public birthday party that I’ve hosted alone. Their dad showed up, more of as a guest. It’s weird…and not…it’s been over 4 years since we were a functional couple, so it’s somewhat normal but it always leaves me feeling like a failure a little. So it makes every milestone a little gut wrenching…this isn’t the way anyone intended things to be…but they’re pretty good anyway. My kids are loved and brilliant, and at the end of the day, that’s what matters.

I don’t want to go back to anywhere we’ve been. I’ve found love and happiness. But there will always be a part of me that will wish the kids didn’t see me struggle financially and emotionally. And I will forever hope that their dad continues to work on himself until maybe one day he resembles the person I met. He owes that to himself.

Inspiration, Kids, Life is beautiful, mommy blog, Uncategorized

Reflecting on 2017…

2017 made me brave. I definitely made mistakes and by mid year I was ready to quit…but I didn’t and the last six months of the year turned out to be pretty amazing…tho not without trials.

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, in July I met the man of my dreams. And things were going amazingly, I’d worked on 3 wonderful movie projects with 3 more in the wings, I was in the best shape of my life, everything was falling in place and then something happened that knocked the wind out of me.

It’s not something that’s really easy to talk about. But Just before Halloween I found out that I had severe cervical dysplasia…highly aggressive precancerous cells. It’s something that’s common for women in my age group. It’s ok. It’s treatable…but this was me. And things like that don’t happen to me.

I had surgery in early November. My margins look good. My doctor says cancer isn’t gonna get me but…it was the waiting that drove me insane…waiting for path results, waiting for surgery, waiting for more results…just imagining evil little wonky cells dividing and multiplying…knowing that I wasn’t in control of my own body…regretting anything that contributed to this, worrying, wondering, looking at my kids and just knowing that they need me…it was HARD.

And now I wait for my 4 month checkup to make sure everything still looks good…and I’m struggling with getting my diet & fitness back on track but I know that I will. And I’m lucky in all respects…I have my family, my health, my job, and through all of this, I still have my amazing boyfriend.

This was a heavy thing for an early relationship to handle but Michael loves me. He really freaking loves me…and with him by my side, I feel like there’s nothing I can’t face.

2017 also was the year my Ben finally really pulled it together academically. I’m SO incredibly proud of him. And my Ava started guitar lessons…they’re both showing interest in arts and science and…they’re really cool kids.

So…here’s to hoping we carry the love and enthusiasm and into 2018. There is SO much to be grateful for. ❤️