grace, Inspiration, Life is beautiful, mommy blog

Deep Thoughts

Before you doubt yourself, here’s some stuff to think about, remember, & do:

1) At the end of the day, you’re the one who’s gotta live with yourself. You’re the one who’s ultimately going to pull it all together…even if you’re not alone, it comes down to you. Make yourself proud first. Take care of you. Heal you.

2) Sometimes you’ll screw up. Sometimes you’ll act out. Sometimes you’ll be wrong. Sometimes nobody will understand. We’re conditioned to mold what we hear to best suit the story we’ve already formed, breaking out of that takes more talent and zen than I’ve ever had. Don’t let that stop you. Anything you feel is valid. Feelings are perception. No one can tell you what you feel or do not feel. And making a feeling go away without processing it is really, really hard and often dangerous.

3) Love people. Even when they’re unlovable. Especially when they’re unlovable. But don’t expect anything in return. Just do it. Spread well wishes. Smile. Validate. It actually takes very little effort but it’s good for your soul.

4) Listen. Listen to yourself. Listen to others. The only way to have a clear perspective of this world is to see things beyond your own self..while still respecting yourself..it ain’t easy. But try it anyway.

5) Know what you want. And don’t stop till it’s yours.

Happy Friday! Go kick some butt.

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fever, grace, Inspiration, Kids, Life is beautiful, mommy blog, strep

Mommy is the most effective fever reducer ever

Ben and I both woke up and 2:30 this morning. He was achy and burning up. Fever of 104.7!!! His throat hurts. It’s gotta be strep again.

Soooo…we’re headed to the doc in a bit to get antibiotics. Meanwhile I loaded him down with ibuprofen and packed him in ice for a bit…but his fever didn’t break at all till he was able to curl up ON me.

This kid is just about 5’1″ & over 80 lbs, so…I guess thankfully I’m strong. 🙂 He’s my first born so he’ll be my baby forever…& if when he’s 6’3″ he wants to snuggle in my lap, that’ll be fine too.

Right now we’re holding at 100.9, which is a huge improvement. I’m supposed to work today. I’ve got a blood drive scheduled. I’m gonna try to run It remotely. I have fleeting moments where I wish there was someone to call to help me, but there’s not, so I won’t wallow, I’ll just take life as it come as take care of my babies. As long as I’ve got them I i know I’m never alone in this world.

grace, Inspiration, Kids, Life is beautiful, mommy blog

Some Days I Mom So Hard…

Today was Ava’s school Mardi Gras parade. It was also a day of Ben’s pre-LEAP testing. And I had to work. But I got off to watch the parade, intent on going back.

As I arrived at school, my cell phone rang and it was the school. Ben had a headache. I checked him out and we watched the parade. Then we needed to pick up his prescription for his adhd meds from the doctor. Then he came to work with me for a bit.

We dropped off his prescription at the pharmacy and picked up Ava, only to learn that there’s an outbreak of head lice in her grade. 😳

So I spent my evening screening & preemptively treating my kids (& myself) for head lice. So far so good, we’re clear, but we’re laying on the tea tree oil and stuff. I convinced Ava that it was spa day and we deep cleansed & then deep conditioned. To be fair, we pretty much smell like we walked out of Aveda. I wonder what the difference between lice preventer and fancy shampoo really is…🤔

Then, after throwing dinner together, I finally plopped on the couch for a minute, next to Ben and before I knew it, he was sleeping soundly.

As I picked him up to take him to bed, he patted me and said, “you’re the best mommy. I love you.” ❤️

There were so many times today when I was overwhelmed but I didn’t quit. And the reason I didn’t quit is because of Ben & Ava. I’m benandavasmom. And they will need me forever. Almost as much as I need them.

flip flops, grace, Inspiration, Life is beautiful, mommy blog, Uncategorized

Broken flip flops

I wrote this the other day and shared it on my Fb but I think it’s worth sharing here.

My day has been a bit ridiculous so far. My phone is acting stupid so I’m limping along on my work cell. I thought I lost my debit card last night. Normally losing my debit card wouldn’t be a huge deal bc up until recently I had debit cards for two different accounts and would just juggle my funds electronically, whatever, but a scumbag compromised my other debit card a while back so I recently canceled it. So yeah…I was feeling pretty beaten up and angry and frustrated this morning.

Then one of my favorite flip flops just up & broke while I was trying to locate my debit card. Thankfully I DID find my debit card tho so yay!!

And it looks like my phone is under warranty so now I’m just mourning my flip flops. This is silly but significant because I don’t like shoes in general. But these were different and I wore them every time I could get away with not covering my toes. They had rhinestones and a little bit of platform. They were perfect.

All of this has bigger significance too tho. (Maybe?) The last time I had a pair of flip flops break on me was the day I passed my ASCP exam to officially become a med tech. My flip flop broke as I was approaching the front door of the exam place…but I limped along, unthwarted, asked the test administrator for a stapler, stapled them temporarily together (I couldn’t take the test barefoot…technicalities), and rocked that test.

So…I dunno if there’s really any deeper significance here, but it took a great deal of tenacity not to give up back then and this morning was similar, as I felt like everything was going wrong. I wanted to be like, “oh well. I’m screwed and cursed.” And just give up. But somehow I kept moving…and sometimes that’s all it takes to turn it all around.

I keep saying better days are coming and that things improve if you do…and it turns out maybe I’m right. the past few weeks have been difficult for me for many reasons. But at the same time, they’ve been kind of awesome…I’ve tap danced in between devastation and dignity, perfectly bipolar. And I’ve come to realize when faced with great difficulty, you just need to reach deeper and radiate deeper grace. As you improve, so will your conditions.

For every paralyzing defeat, there is at the very least a lesson, but often, something better lies in the wings. I find that many people do somewhat great things while somehow managing to stay in their comfort zone at the same time. I wish I could do that…I’ve come to realize that I only flourish when all hell breaks loose. In chaos I find my calm and in rejection I only try harder and I swear for every door that’s slammed on me in my life, a bigger blessing has come my way.

Anyway, I’m rambling, but just let me say that there are really good things coming down the pipe. When the crappiest part of a day like today boils down to a broken flip flop, I know I’m either pretty blessed or I’ve found a level of serenity to deal with whatever bs life throws at me. Fingers crossed. One foot in front of the other.

Inspiration, Kids, Life is beautiful, mommy blog, Uncategorized

Stroke your own ego

“Stroke your own ego,” I whisper to myself in the morning. Mornings are hard for me. A lot of people have a particular time of day that’s tougher than other times of the day. Mornings, to me, can be a reminder of all of things I didn’t do yesterday and everything I need to do NOW. Do this. Do that. Do this. And don’t be late.

Mornings are when every naggy voice from my past speaks up and tells me how and why I’m gonna fail. And every gloaty doty on social media is talking up their manufactured lives. Mornings are when two cranky, hungry bellies are whining about not wanting to go to school and I’m praying to myself that there are no traumas between the time we wake up and when I drop them at school.

So…mornings can be when I’m at my most broken. They’re when I feel the most alone. That’s one reason I started doing morning live videos. And they’re when I sit aside just a few seconds to stroke my own ego.

See…I used to spend time sending good mornings to people…and sometimes I still do but I found that it was disappointing when no one responded and there were days when literally no one did. It wasn’t their fault. We’re all busy. And it was a silly thing to do. I’ve learned you can’t spread sunshine in hopes of getting sunshine back. It’s gotta come from within. Like happiness and pancakes.

So instead of worrying about others, I started spending a bit to point out good things going on with me. And…it’s helped me. It’s like meditation, only quicker. It’s a tiny bit of gratitude that I can give myself. It’s serenity and grace and all of that good stuff.

So yeah…that’s what I recommend…especially on days when it feels like everything is crap and you’re just a plunger. Stroke your own ego…bc sometimes nobody will do it for you.

Inspiration, Kids, Life is beautiful, mommy blog, Uncategorized

Reflecting on 2017…

2017 made me brave. I definitely made mistakes and by mid year I was ready to quit…but I didn’t and the last six months of the year turned out to be pretty amazing…tho not without trials.

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, in July I met the man of my dreams. And things were going amazingly, I’d worked on 3 wonderful movie projects with 3 more in the wings, I was in the best shape of my life, everything was falling in place and then something happened that knocked the wind out of me.

It’s not something that’s really easy to talk about. But Just before Halloween I found out that I had severe cervical dysplasia…highly aggressive precancerous cells. It’s something that’s common for women in my age group. It’s ok. It’s treatable…but this was me. And things like that don’t happen to me.

I had surgery in early November. My margins look good. My doctor says cancer isn’t gonna get me but…it was the waiting that drove me insane…waiting for path results, waiting for surgery, waiting for more results…just imagining evil little wonky cells dividing and multiplying…knowing that I wasn’t in control of my own body…regretting anything that contributed to this, worrying, wondering, looking at my kids and just knowing that they need me…it was HARD.

And now I wait for my 4 month checkup to make sure everything still looks good…and I’m struggling with getting my diet & fitness back on track but I know that I will. And I’m lucky in all respects…I have my family, my health, my job, and through all of this, I still have my amazing boyfriend.

This was a heavy thing for an early relationship to handle but Michael loves me. He really freaking loves me…and with him by my side, I feel like there’s nothing I can’t face.

2017 also was the year my Ben finally really pulled it together academically. I’m SO incredibly proud of him. And my Ava started guitar lessons…they’re both showing interest in arts and science and…they’re really cool kids.

So…here’s to hoping we carry the love and enthusiasm and into 2018. There is SO much to be grateful for. ❤️

Inspiration, Kids, Life is beautiful, mommy blog, Music, Uncategorized

Life is an adventure.

As I was typing the headline of this post, I realized that I finally have taught my predictive text feature most bad words that I use…bc when I went to type “adventure”, I accidentally hit, “as” instead of “ad” and the third predictive choice was a**hole.

But life’s not an a**hole. It’s definitely an adventure. And tomorrow my sweet little girl will have both her first guitar recital AND then her first sleepover. Adventures will be aplenty, I’m sure.

Yep. I’m hosting a little girl’s sleepover…at my condo. If you know me, you know that’s a pretty big deal because I’m crazy private and my house is perpetually messy. It wasn’t always…I used to be pretty tidy, & I’m gradually getting back to that but…the past year or two have been interesting, to say the least. Life’s been both an adventure and at times also an a**hole. And especially over the past year or so I think I kind of pack ratted myself into a rut where basically I didn’t want to let anyone in. Not in my house. Barely in my life. I’m skittish by nature. I’m weird. And yet I have this uncanny knack for seeing the best in people who have no good at all in them…it’s a blessing and a curse and it just about made me lose my faith in people. Myself included.

But then something happened. At my worst, at my lowest, I managed to meet the most amazing man. And you hear it said that sometimes people’s eyes meet and the world just sort of stops spinning…and I’d thought I’d even possibly experienced that before, but no. Not even close. When my eyes met Michael’s, it was like I was finally home. And I just knew he was going to play a big part in my life. Skittish as I am, I wasn’t sure exactly how, but I guess when you know, you just know.

Anyway…yeah, despite my past endeavors, I never really believed anyone would or could ever really love me correctly. I was kind of born into the idea that I was hard to love and had been told on more than one occasion that I wasn’t the worth the trouble.

But I also grew up on fairy tales and a tiny little part of me never lost hope that there was somebody out there for me…bc I mean, I knew good men existed, I was raised by one. And one day, clad in leather, covered in dirt and sweat, I met my Prince Charming.

It took a bit to get used to, even though we were pretty much inseparable from the start. I really am not the easiest person to get close to, but Mike has been patient. He gets me. He handles me beautifully, in full Merp-mode.

And…I’ve managed to let him into my life in ways I didn’t think I was really capable of. I don’t second guess what I text him. I don’t sugarcoat things. I’m just me. And he lets me and we fit together.

But I digress…back to this whole sleepover thing. No one outside my immediate family (& yes, this has included my amazing, Prince Charming boyfriend) has been allowed inside my house in nearly a year. I think I kept it messy on purpose…but tomorrow, I’m hosting little giggly girls…& I’m done being a packrat recluse.

I’ll always be a little messy. My life hasn’t gone as planned. But…it’s beautiful. And it’s definitely an adventure. And I’m so very thankful for where it’s led me. I never dreamed I’d actually be happy or really be loved. But here I am. I am so lucky and so loved and I am in awe of the wonderful adventure my life is turning out to be.

So…bring on the seven year olds. I’m ready for new adventures and new beginnings and…all of the wonderful stuff that lies ahead. 💕💫