grace, Inspiration, Life is beautiful, mommy blog

Deep Thoughts

Before you doubt yourself, here’s some stuff to think about, remember, & do:

1) At the end of the day, you’re the one who’s gotta live with yourself. You’re the one who’s ultimately going to pull it all together…even if you’re not alone, it comes down to you. Make yourself proud first. Take care of you. Heal you.

2) Sometimes you’ll screw up. Sometimes you’ll act out. Sometimes you’ll be wrong. Sometimes nobody will understand. We’re conditioned to mold what we hear to best suit the story we’ve already formed, breaking out of that takes more talent and zen than I’ve ever had. Don’t let that stop you. Anything you feel is valid. Feelings are perception. No one can tell you what you feel or do not feel. And making a feeling go away without processing it is really, really hard and often dangerous.

3) Love people. Even when they’re unlovable. Especially when they’re unlovable. But don’t expect anything in return. Just do it. Spread well wishes. Smile. Validate. It actually takes very little effort but it’s good for your soul.

4) Listen. Listen to yourself. Listen to others. The only way to have a clear perspective of this world is to see things beyond your own self..while still respecting yourself..it ain’t easy. But try it anyway.

5) Know what you want. And don’t stop till it’s yours.

Happy Friday! Go kick some butt.

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Inspiration, Kids, Life is beautiful, mommy blog, Uncategorized

Stroke your own ego

“Stroke your own ego,” I whisper to myself in the morning. Mornings are hard for me. A lot of people have a particular time of day that’s tougher than other times of the day. Mornings, to me, can be a reminder of all of things I didn’t do yesterday and everything I need to do NOW. Do this. Do that. Do this. And don’t be late.

Mornings are when every naggy voice from my past speaks up and tells me how and why I’m gonna fail. And every gloaty doty on social media is talking up their manufactured lives. Mornings are when two cranky, hungry bellies are whining about not wanting to go to school and I’m praying to myself that there are no traumas between the time we wake up and when I drop them at school.

So…mornings can be when I’m at my most broken. They’re when I feel the most alone. That’s one reason I started doing morning live videos. And they’re when I sit aside just a few seconds to stroke my own ego.

See…I used to spend time sending good mornings to people…and sometimes I still do but I found that it was disappointing when no one responded and there were days when literally no one did. It wasn’t their fault. We’re all busy. And it was a silly thing to do. I’ve learned you can’t spread sunshine in hopes of getting sunshine back. It’s gotta come from within. Like happiness and pancakes.

So instead of worrying about others, I started spending a bit to point out good things going on with me. And…it’s helped me. It’s like meditation, only quicker. It’s a tiny bit of gratitude that I can give myself. It’s serenity and grace and all of that good stuff.

So yeah…that’s what I recommend…especially on days when it feels like everything is crap and you’re just a plunger. Stroke your own ego…bc sometimes nobody will do it for you.

birthday, Kids, Life is beautiful, mommy blog

And we’ve survived another birthday season!

Ben had his 9th birthday party at Chuck E Cheese yesterday. It was great. All of his best buddies showed up and they played a bunch of games and got a ton prize tickets and stuff.

Ava is finally not scared of Chuck E. bc she realized he gives out tickets. My little people are almost all grown up. This is probably one of our last Chuck E. Cheese parties…tho Ava says she wants hers there next year…

They’re growing up so fast and it’s hard to believe that these little people were my little roly poly babies.

This was my first public birthday party that I’ve hosted alone. Their dad showed up, more of as a guest. It’s weird…and not…it’s been over 4 years since we were a functional couple, so it’s somewhat normal but it always leaves me feeling like a failure a little. So it makes every milestone a little gut wrenching…this isn’t the way anyone intended things to be…but they’re pretty good anyway. My kids are loved and brilliant, and at the end of the day, that’s what matters.

I don’t want to go back to anywhere we’ve been. I’ve found love and happiness. But there will always be a part of me that will wish the kids didn’t see me struggle financially and emotionally. And I will forever hope that their dad continues to work on himself until maybe one day he resembles the person I met. He owes that to himself.

Inspiration, Kids, Life is beautiful, mommy blog, Uncategorized

Reflecting on 2017…

2017 made me brave. I definitely made mistakes and by mid year I was ready to quit…but I didn’t and the last six months of the year turned out to be pretty amazing…tho not without trials.

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, in July I met the man of my dreams. And things were going amazingly, I’d worked on 3 wonderful movie projects with 3 more in the wings, I was in the best shape of my life, everything was falling in place and then something happened that knocked the wind out of me.

It’s not something that’s really easy to talk about. But Just before Halloween I found out that I had severe cervical dysplasia…highly aggressive precancerous cells. It’s something that’s common for women in my age group. It’s ok. It’s treatable…but this was me. And things like that don’t happen to me.

I had surgery in early November. My margins look good. My doctor says cancer isn’t gonna get me but…it was the waiting that drove me insane…waiting for path results, waiting for surgery, waiting for more results…just imagining evil little wonky cells dividing and multiplying…knowing that I wasn’t in control of my own body…regretting anything that contributed to this, worrying, wondering, looking at my kids and just knowing that they need me…it was HARD.

And now I wait for my 4 month checkup to make sure everything still looks good…and I’m struggling with getting my diet & fitness back on track but I know that I will. And I’m lucky in all respects…I have my family, my health, my job, and through all of this, I still have my amazing boyfriend.

This was a heavy thing for an early relationship to handle but Michael loves me. He really freaking loves me…and with him by my side, I feel like there’s nothing I can’t face.

2017 also was the year my Ben finally really pulled it together academically. I’m SO incredibly proud of him. And my Ava started guitar lessons…they’re both showing interest in arts and science and…they’re really cool kids.

So…here’s to hoping we carry the love and enthusiasm and into 2018. There is SO much to be grateful for. ❤️

Inspiration, Kids, Life is beautiful, mommy blog, Uncategorized

It’s Birthday Season!!

How fun is it to have both of your children celebrating a birthday in December?!  December comes with a level of overwhelmth (yes, I made that word up, but it’s a wonderful, wonderful word) that I can’t properly convey to you.  It’s the end of the year.  It’s Christmastime, and…oh by the way, your kids, who still by some amazing miracle, believe in Santa, both were born BEFORE the 25th.

The holidays take strategy and a lot of hustle, and hosting birthday party(ies) in the midst of the holiday madness is not for the timid.  It’s the time of year that I wish I didn’t live in suburbia, where I feel the nagging need to compete.  It’s the time of year that I wish I’d have invested more money in my 20’s and was independently wealthy.  But when all of the craziness and mommy guilt dies down, I don’t know if I’d have planned it our any differently than it fell.

I’m Ben & Ava’s mom. (Ok. I have a name, it’s Katie…) This is what we do.  Benjamin was born on December 22, 2008.  Ava came along as a little force of nature just shy of two years later (she’s on the 11th).  And every December is the same.  It always feels like I can’t get them enough, and it’s too much to do.  And it ends up that I get them too much, and I do too much, and I think they appreciate it.  I hope they do.  I really can’t imagine baking cakes or making pinatas or throwing them parties in the summer or any other time.  So…while everybody else is celebrating holidays, in December, I celebrate my babies…which is why it feels appropriate for this to be my first post.

Birthday season is underway.  Ava turned 7 this past Monday–which means for 11 days she’s only a year younger than her big brother.  This is serious stuff.  Before the New Year, my first born will be 9.  I have no idea where the time has gone, but…it’s flying by.  And when I look at my life, I like that December is this big finale for the year.  And there’s nothing I’m more proud to be than Ben and Ava’s mom.