There. I said it. It’s something I’ve been feeling for…well over 5 years because…you see, after Ava was born her dad started being home less and less frequently. And then it started only really being for special occasions and what felt like public appearances.
It got so bad that my dad came from Michigan to help me because I had two tiny kids and a demanding job and…little help. And then my dad up and died. And since then I’ve struggled. I’ve struggled with emotions and finances and careers and kid stuff. And…I’m tired. And I’m often scared. And frequently lonely in a way that I can’t describe. But I try not to let on bc…I’m a strong, independent woman. And I know things like when people ask how your day is they rarely really give a crap.
For the past three years in a row I’ve taken the kids to Mardi Gras parades by myself. Because I can. But this past Friday, as I was struggling with the wagon and chairs and the bags by myself, something just hit me. I can do this. I CAN. but i don’t know for how long.
I look at happy families and I wonder where my life went wrong. Why don’t I have that? Could I ever have that? What’s wrong with me? And it hurts. I always feel like there’s something wrong with me. And maybe there is. I don’t even know.
But there are some things I do know. I love my kids. And I’m trying to do my best. And I think they know that. I know the next 10 or 12 years are gonna fly by and when they do, they’re gonna look back and know it was me that made sure they went to parades and turned in their projects on time and got them to school and wrote them Santa letters and worked odd jobs to afford their hobbies and….someday they’ll thank me. I think.
And there will be days like this morning where I sing to them and get them to school on time and everything goes smoothly even tho we slept through our first alarm. And the principal gives me a nod and a smile as I walk them to class, and I feel like maybe I can pull this all off.
But last Friday I felt more alone than I have in a very, very long time…and it’s those moments that lurk in the background like a cold dampness and remind me that even tho I’ve been doing this awhile, I have no freaking clue what I’m doing. But then I have to remind myself that maybe all that matters is that I just do whatever I can. So I do…and so far we’ve survived. ❤️