Tag: mom

Inspiration, Kids, Life is beautiful, mommy blog, Uncategorized

Parenting alone sucks.

benandavasmom

There. I said it. It’s something I’ve been feeling for…well over 5 years because…you see, after Ava was born her dad started being home less and less frequently. And then it started only really being for special occasions and what felt like public appearances.

It got so bad that my dad came from Michigan to help me because I had two tiny kids and a demanding job and…little help. And then my dad up and died. And since then I’ve struggled. I’ve struggled with emotions and finances and careers and kid stuff. And…I’m tired. And I’m often scared. And frequently lonely in a way that I can’t describe. But I try not to let on bc…I’m a strong, independent woman. And I know things like when people ask how your day is they rarely really give a crap.

For the past three years in a row I’ve taken the kids to Mardi Gras parades by myself. Because I can. But this past Friday, as I was struggling with the wagon and chairs and the bags by myself, something just hit me. I can do this. I CAN. but i don’t know for how long.

I look at happy families and I wonder where my life went wrong. Why don’t I have that? Could I ever have that? What’s wrong with me? And it hurts. I always feel like there’s something wrong with me. And maybe there is. I don’t even know.

But there are some things I do know. I love my kids. And I’m trying to do my best. And I think they know that. I know the next 10 or 12 years are gonna fly by and when they do, they’re gonna look back and know it was me that made sure they went to parades and turned in their projects on time and got them to school and wrote them Santa letters and worked odd jobs to afford their hobbies and….someday they’ll thank me. I think.

And there will be days like this morning where I sing to them and get them to school on time and everything goes smoothly even tho we slept through our first alarm. And the principal gives me a nod and a smile as I walk them to class, and I feel like maybe I can pull this all off.

But last Friday I felt more alone than I have in a very, very long time…and it’s those moments that lurk in the background like a cold dampness and remind me that even tho I’ve been doing this awhile, I have no freaking clue what I’m doing. But then I have to remind myself that maybe all that matters is that I just do whatever I can. So I do…and so far we’ve survived. ❤️

Inspiration, Kids, Life is beautiful, mommy blog, Uncategorized

Reflecting on 2017…

benandavasmom

2017 made me brave. I definitely made mistakes and by mid year I was ready to quit…but I didn’t and the last six months of the year turned out to be pretty amazing…tho not without trials.

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, in July I met the man of my dreams. And things were going amazingly, I’d worked on 3 wonderful movie projects with 3 more in the wings, I was in the best shape of my life, everything was falling in place and then something happened that knocked the wind out of me.

It’s not something that’s really easy to talk about. But Just before Halloween I found out that I had severe cervical dysplasia…highly aggressive precancerous cells. It’s something that’s common for women in my age group. It’s ok. It’s treatable…but this was me. And things like that don’t happen to me.

I had surgery in early November. My margins look good. My doctor says cancer isn’t gonna get me but…it was the waiting that drove me insane…waiting for path results, waiting for surgery, waiting for more results…just imagining evil little wonky cells dividing and multiplying…knowing that I wasn’t in control of my own body…regretting anything that contributed to this, worrying, wondering, looking at my kids and just knowing that they need me…it was HARD.

And now I wait for my 4 month checkup to make sure everything still looks good…and I’m struggling with getting my diet & fitness back on track but I know that I will. And I’m lucky in all respects…I have my family, my health, my job, and through all of this, I still have my amazing boyfriend.

This was a heavy thing for an early relationship to handle but Michael loves me. He really freaking loves me…and with him by my side, I feel like there’s nothing I can’t face.

2017 also was the year my Ben finally really pulled it together academically. I’m SO incredibly proud of him. And my Ava started guitar lessons…they’re both showing interest in arts and science and…they’re really cool kids.

So…here’s to hoping we carry the love and enthusiasm and into 2018. There is SO much to be grateful for. ❤️

Inspiration, Kids, Life is beautiful, mommy blog, Music, Uncategorized

Life is an adventure.

benandavasmom

As I was typing the headline of this post, I realized that I finally have taught my predictive text feature most bad words that I use…bc when I went to type “adventure”, I accidentally hit, “as” instead of “ad” and the third predictive choice was a**hole.

But life’s not an a**hole. It’s definitely an adventure. And tomorrow my sweet little girl will have both her first guitar recital AND then her first sleepover. Adventures will be aplenty, I’m sure.

Yep. I’m hosting a little girl’s sleepover…at my condo. If you know me, you know that’s a pretty big deal because I’m crazy private and my house is perpetually messy. It wasn’t always…I used to be pretty tidy, & I’m gradually getting back to that but…the past year or two have been interesting, to say the least. Life’s been both an adventure and at times also an a**hole. And especially over the past year or so I think I kind of pack ratted myself into a rut where basically I didn’t want to let anyone in. Not in my house. Barely in my life. I’m skittish by nature. I’m weird. And yet I have this uncanny knack for seeing the best in people who have no good at all in them…it’s a blessing and a curse and it just about made me lose my faith in people. Myself included.

But then something happened. At my worst, at my lowest, I managed to meet the most amazing man. And you hear it said that sometimes people’s eyes meet and the world just sort of stops spinning…and I’d thought I’d even possibly experienced that before, but no. Not even close. When my eyes met Michael’s, it was like I was finally home. And I just knew he was going to play a big part in my life. Skittish as I am, I wasn’t sure exactly how, but I guess when you know, you just know.

Anyway…yeah, despite my past endeavors, I never really believed anyone would or could ever really love me correctly. I was kind of born into the idea that I was hard to love and had been told on more than one occasion that I wasn’t the worth the trouble.

But I also grew up on fairy tales and a tiny little part of me never lost hope that there was somebody out there for me…bc I mean, I knew good men existed, I was raised by one. And one day, clad in leather, covered in dirt and sweat, I met my Prince Charming.

It took a bit to get used to, even though we were pretty much inseparable from the start. I really am not the easiest person to get close to, but Mike has been patient. He gets me. He handles me beautifully, in full Merp-mode.

And…I’ve managed to let him into my life in ways I didn’t think I was really capable of. I don’t second guess what I text him. I don’t sugarcoat things. I’m just me. And he lets me and we fit together.

But I digress…back to this whole sleepover thing. No one outside my immediate family (& yes, this has included my amazing, Prince Charming boyfriend) has been allowed inside my house in nearly a year. I think I kept it messy on purpose…but tomorrow, I’m hosting little giggly girls…& I’m done being a packrat recluse.

I’ll always be a little messy. My life hasn’t gone as planned. But…it’s beautiful. And it’s definitely an adventure. And I’m so very thankful for where it’s led me. I never dreamed I’d actually be happy or really be loved. But here I am. I am so lucky and so loved and I am in awe of the wonderful adventure my life is turning out to be.

So…bring on the seven year olds. I’m ready for new adventures and new beginnings and…all of the wonderful stuff that lies ahead. 💕💫